Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!
4:43 pm
Fri August 17, 2012

Who's Bill This Time?

Originally published on Sat August 18, 2012 8:56 am

Transcript

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm legendary anchorman Bill Kurtis...

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: Filling in for Carl Kasell, and here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you. Yeah, thank you, Bill. We have got a great show for you today. Comedian Mike Birbiglia will be here to talk about his new movie, "Sleepwalk with Me." But first, we are way excited, that while Carl is off on his late summer vacation, to have - well, would it be legendary or iconic - newsman/anchorman Bill Kurtis filling in.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Bill, you've been a news anchor, you've hosted countless documentaries, you narrated the movie "Anchorman." Some say you were the model for the character.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Are you, Bill Kurtis, prepared to be our judge and scorekeeper?

KURTIS: The question is Peter, are you prepared to be judged and score kept by me?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: If you're ready to work with a legend, give us a call, the number is 1-888-Wait Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

NORMA MORTIMER: Hi, this is Norma, and I'm from Milwaukee.

SAGAL: How are things in beautiful Milwaukee?

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: There are some Milwaukeeans here, not far from here. What do you do there in Milwaukee?

MORTIMER: I'm a teacher.

SAGAL: Oh, that's excellent.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: What do you teach?

MORTIMER: This year I'm teaching Advanced Placement Language and Composition...

SAGAL: Really?

MORTIMER: ...and American authors.

SAGAL: American authors. So, are the kids today reading? Do they come in ready to learn?

MORTIMER: Most of them.

SAGAL: Uh-huh.

(LAUGHTER)

MORTIMER: To be honest.

LUKE BURBANK: But not Ricky.

MORTIMER: No.

BURBANK: That guy is a jerk.

(LAUGHTER)

MORTIMER: No, Ricky's a total jerk.

SAGAL: Hope Ricky's not listening.

MORTIMER: No, he wouldn't listen to NPR.

SAGAL: Oh yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's the man behind the podcast "Too Beautiful to Live," recently celebrating its thousandth episode. Mr. Luke Burbank is here.

(APPLAUSE)

BURBANK: Hey, Norma.

MORTIMER: Hey, Luke.

SAGAL: Next, a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" and the co-producer of a newly released baby boy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Ms. Faith Salie.

(APPLAUSE)

FAITH SALIE: Hi, Norma.

MORTIMER: Hi, Faith.

SAGAL: And finally, a comedian performing at the Warner Theater in Torrington, Connecticut on August 25th, it's Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hey, Norma.

MORTIMER: Hey, Paula, you're my hero.

SAGAL: All right, ready to play?

MORTIMER: You bet.

SAGAL: All right, we're going to start with a game that this week we're calling Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotes from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win the prize: Carl's voice on your home answering machine. You ready to go?

MORTIMER: OK.

SAGAL: Here we go. Bill, your first quote please?

KURTIS: "I'm just going to say what every other girl is thinking, he is sexy."

SAGAL: That was a woman named Caroline Sanders, who was tweeting her excitement over the latest addition to the presidential race. Who is the sexy thing?

MORTIMER: Oh, she must think about Paul Ryan.

SAGAL: She must think about Paul Ryan, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: You must be very happy, because that's the answer.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So Mitt Romney decided for his running mate, he needed somebody who was everything he himself was not: principled, unwavering, willing to offend, a man who both sticks to his guns and actually has guns.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And of course, in addition to that, Paul Ryan is just as good looking as Romney. He's even in better physical shape. So, it's like Romney didn't hire a running mate, he hired a stunt double.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Think about it. It's like, Romney says "Now, I'd like to talk to you about my unwavering stand on the budget" and then somebody yells "cut." And Romney steps aside, and Ryan comes leaping through the window, on fire, shooting data.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: He's got 8 percent body fat, that man.

SAGAL: How do you know?

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: I am a journalist, Peter.

SAGAL: Yes.

SALIE: And I do my research. Apparently, he is devoted to this workout called - what is it - P90x?

BURBANK: P90x.

SAGAL: P90x, yes.

SALIE: And he's got 6 to 8 percent body fat, I guess depending on where he is during the time of the month.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: And this workout - do you know this workout, Luke?

BURBANK: I do. And in fact...

SALIE: Do you do it?

BURBANK: I attempted it a couple of times.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: It causes muscle confusion.

SAGAL: Really?

SALIE: Which I think could be used in a negative ad, right?

SAGAL: Yeah.

SALIE: Couldn't you see, like, you know, "do you want the man who's one heartbeat away from the presidency to be confused in his muscles?"

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Come on, Paul Ryan. I'm clearly not a political junkie, in that the way I found out about Paul Ryan existing was I was watching the P90x promotional DVD and Paul Ryan is on it.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Are you serious?

BURBANK: Yeah, because they - and he and some other members of Congress would get together in a certain part of the congressional gym, and they would put the DVD in and they would do this crazy P90x workout. And one of the guys, Bart Stupak, who does it with him, is a Democrat. So that's a certain amount of reaching across the aisle.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: That's so much better than when they used to do "Sweatin' to the Oldies."

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I just think this is a lot more, you know, high brow.

SAGAL: Did you guys know that one of the most popular Google searches in the last week or so is "Paul Ryan shirtless?"

SALIE: I did it.

SAGAL: You did? And what a surprise.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: That's why she knew the percentage of his body fat. She put her calipers right up to the screen.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: As far as I know there are no photographs.

BURBANK: Yeah.

SALIE: Correct. I was disappointed.

BURBANK: And still in one-millionth place "Joe Biden shitless."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This all must be so frustrating for Romney. These days, when asked what they like most about their candidate for president, most Republicans say that they like that Romney is thin enough so that he does not block their view of Paul Ryan.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, here is your next quote.

KURTIS: They're going to put y'all back in chains.

SAGAL: That was somebody who started a downward spiral of tone in the presidential campaign this week. Who was it?

MORTIMER: Oh, it was Joe Biden.

SAGAL: It was.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Once Paul Ryan became Romney's running mate, everybody was like, great, we're going to have a substantive discussion about of the issues. And then along came Biden.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: On Tuesday, he was talking about the Republican's plans to quote, unchain Wall Street, and suggested that instead they want to put the audience in chains. Biden's comment was called racist and hateful and awful, but come on, it's Joe Biden.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He has no idea what he himself just said until the sound waves reach his ears.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And you can tell because sometimes he says, "Who the hell was that guy who said that dumb thing?"

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Is he doing the P30 workout?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Because that could have been muscle confusion.

BURBANK: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Anyway, the Romney campaign said that the chained comment was part of the President's campaign of quote, "anger and hate." And the Obama campaign responded that Romney was quote, "unhinged," and Romney said - this happened - he said, "No, they're unhinged." Of course, Mr. Romney misunderstood. The Obama campaign was not being harsh, they were just pointing out that Mr. Romney's battery compartment door had come off its hinges.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, very good, here is your last quote.

KURTIS: "Good girls go to heaven; bad girls go everywhere."

SAGAL: That was an icon of liberated womanhood. She died this week at the age of 90. Who was it?

MORTIMER: Oh, that was Helen Gurley Brown.

SAGAL: It was indeed Helen Gurley Brown.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The woman who wrote the groundbreaking book, "Sex and the Single Girl" has died at the age of 90. She also became famous, of course, as the editor of Cosmopolitan, which she transformed into a glossy celebration of beauty and sex and fashion.

It was famous for the cover lines, you know, the famous Cosmo cover lines like: 18 Sexy Things You Can Do In Bed. Which was always pointless, because nobody got to try out things 2 through 18 because after number 1, the guy fell asleep, right?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know, I would defy anyone to prove these things with math.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That there were in fact 18 sexy things?

POUNDSTONE: OK, but they're either telling the same 18 sexy things every issue.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Because the thing is they kept doing every - you know, I mean I don't buy it, but I would see it when I was at the grocery store, and I would just think, you know that's a lot things.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Why were they always advising women on ways to drive their men crazy in bed? Why does somebody want to be driven crazy? It's like "well, I was trying that sex tip from Cosmo and then my man just started talking to the ceiling fan. I don't understand."

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

BURBANK: A guy with no shirt is just swinging a light saber on the New Jersey Turnpike. What happened?

SAGAL: Well....

BURBANK: It started in the bedroom.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Norma do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Norma got three right and wins Carl Kasell's voice on her home answering machine.

SAGAL: Well done.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, Norma.

MORTIMER: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.